Monday and Tuesday this week I had some kind of mental something going on.
Sad, crying, self pity....
The whole bit.
This is out of character.
My mother taught me when I was a teenager that emotions are tools.
Given to us to enhance our earthly experience, and that we can choose how we use them.
(note- not if we have them, but how use them).
She also taught me that if you very suddenly start feeling something that you do not normally feel, there is a reason. And you should logic through until you figure out where it's coming from.
Monday took me off guard.
Tuesday I started to logic.
This morning I figured it out.
In the last three weeks I have lost eight pounds.
(Yes, I am happy about that, we're working back to Kari vintage '05, or something close)
But this is what I realized. Since mom died, a lot of people have needed a lot of things from me. And I needed something I could give myself. Because either there wasn't time for personal time, or there was guilt for taking time for personal time.
I have spent two nights away from Havah ever, and I was pregnant with Lilly.
I can count the number of dates Cori and I have gone on in the last three years on both my hands
So food was my thing. It was the thing that I could give myself and not have to feel bad, because it's not an extravagance. Everyone needs to eat. Right?
(Taken December '09)
I could make three dozen chocolate chip cookies, eat one dozen myself and there were still enough for everyone else, and they didn't need to know I had given myself a treat.
We could go out to pizza with Havah and no one needed to know why we didn't eat a lot of dinner that night, and I hadn't made them take care of my child.
No guilt.
Recently things have moved away from me. I'm not in charge of 10 people's laundry and meals.
I don't even take the kids to counseling anymore.
My big contributions are having Tasha over to play every day and fixing dinner for everyone on Wednesday nights.
Suddenly there's time to think about myself, about changing and being better.
First on the list: Good bye 40 lbs!
(That is Tasha... I have been carrying around a 5 year old's body weight for 2 years).
Finally I start to see some results and all of a sudden I'm a mess.
Because, and here is the point, you have to have something.
Something that fills you up.
Something more than family.
Something more than (sinner me) church.
It's not enough.
People need to have something they love that is all their own.
Food was mine, and it was literally filling me up.
Then I took it a way, and didn't replace it with something else,
and I felt like my heart was breaking.
So here's to something new:
Dating & a garden.
Time away out of our house, away from our sweet children, to talk like grown ups and
time outside helping things to grow.
(so that I can eat them hehehe)
The whole bit.
This is out of character.
My mother taught me when I was a teenager that emotions are tools.
Given to us to enhance our earthly experience, and that we can choose how we use them.
(note- not if we have them, but how use them).
She also taught me that if you very suddenly start feeling something that you do not normally feel, there is a reason. And you should logic through until you figure out where it's coming from.
Monday took me off guard.
Tuesday I started to logic.
This morning I figured it out.
In the last three weeks I have lost eight pounds.
(Yes, I am happy about that, we're working back to Kari vintage '05, or something close)
But this is what I realized. Since mom died, a lot of people have needed a lot of things from me. And I needed something I could give myself. Because either there wasn't time for personal time, or there was guilt for taking time for personal time.
I have spent two nights away from Havah ever, and I was pregnant with Lilly.
I can count the number of dates Cori and I have gone on in the last three years on both my hands
So food was my thing. It was the thing that I could give myself and not have to feel bad, because it's not an extravagance. Everyone needs to eat. Right?
(Taken December '09)
I could make three dozen chocolate chip cookies, eat one dozen myself and there were still enough for everyone else, and they didn't need to know I had given myself a treat.
We could go out to pizza with Havah and no one needed to know why we didn't eat a lot of dinner that night, and I hadn't made them take care of my child.
No guilt.
Recently things have moved away from me. I'm not in charge of 10 people's laundry and meals.
I don't even take the kids to counseling anymore.
My big contributions are having Tasha over to play every day and fixing dinner for everyone on Wednesday nights.
Suddenly there's time to think about myself, about changing and being better.
First on the list: Good bye 40 lbs!
(That is Tasha... I have been carrying around a 5 year old's body weight for 2 years).
Finally I start to see some results and all of a sudden I'm a mess.
Because, and here is the point, you have to have something.
Something that fills you up.
Something more than family.
Something more than (sinner me) church.
It's not enough.
People need to have something they love that is all their own.
Food was mine, and it was literally filling me up.
Then I took it a way, and didn't replace it with something else,
and I felt like my heart was breaking.
So here's to something new:
Dating & a garden.
Time away out of our house, away from our sweet children, to talk like grown ups and
time outside helping things to grow.
(so that I can eat them hehehe)
I hear you! I've had to find my crafty side and get caught up in some good books to keep myself from reverting back to food (my favorite 'productive', but -- in my case -- very lazy pastime) as a way to stay occupied, but not stressed out. I'm having fun finding little projects and new blogs to supply them. Stephen and I have taken to reading lolcats (a funny website with lots of off-shoots that has captioned pictures of funny cats and various other things) after we get the kids to bed so we can spend a few minutes together as friends and not just parents. It's been really fun. I would love to try a garden, but we don't have a yard, so I stick with indoor crafts. We miss you guys!! (PS I love the pictures!)
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